Things to do When You're Bored...

  A little over three years ago, while working in Mexico, I found myself forced into attending a company Christmas party. Standard corporate stuff - awards, speeches, annoying games, mediocre food,etc... As, I sat there, I thought about a way to help my fellow humans survive such situations...
 
   So, you're sitting there thinking, "What the fuck am I doing here?" "This is the most boring thing that I've ever had to suffer through". But remember you're not alone. This incredible boredom that you're feeling is not unique, nor will it be the last time that you'll be forced to endure such mind-numbing crap - it's a part of life. A shitty part of life, but a reality. The question is this : What to do to fight the boredom ? Hopefully, one prepares himself for this battle well in advance. Mind-altering drugs/substances are always good for this. More than likely, this is reason that metal/plastic drinking flasks were invented. If one prepares properly, by the time they have to do battle with the forces of boredom, (and its allies: indifference, apathy, and disgust), they will already have a healthy combination of two or more substances floating throughout the bloodstream. A recipe that I'm particularly fond of is as follows...
1). Approx. one hour before the first waves of boredom are scheduled to start crashing in your brain - eat. Eat something great, something so good that it's like an orgasm for your mouth. Something so good that you won't think about food for a long time. There's nothing worse than being bored and hungry. Also, the food helps to absorb the alcohol that you're about to consume...
2).After eating, start walking to your destination. Enjoy the fresh air. Appreciate the last free moments before the struggle. Smile.
3). While walking, smoke a joint. Smoking a pipe is an acceptable alternative but takes more time and you have to stop more often...
4). So the joint's finished and life's good - start searching for a bar. Try to find a dark, quiet bar. A place where you don't know anyone and can drink in peace. Have two beers. If possible, order the two beers at the same time. You don't have much time...  Note: beer, in this situation is more desirable than other types of alcohol. Why ? Cheaper - you don't want to arrive at the battle without extra money for emergencies. 
5). You arrive, feeling good and just late enough that no one really notices your arrival. Be discreet. 
6). So this is it, the first movements of the battle. Be strong, and at the first opportunity - escape to a bathroom.
7). The bathroom gives several possibilities...
       a). A line of cocaine - just one, don't overdue it.
       b). A drink from a secretly stored alcohol flask - whiskey, rum, tequila, vodka, etc...
8). If necessary, repeat step 7...
   
This "recipe", is a favorite, but feel free to experiment with other methods. Remember, this is just the preparation for the battle, it's not over yet.
 
Part Two : You're Prepared, So now What ?
 
   You're stoned, (pacheco), a little drunk (tipsey), but you still have to listen to some kind of bullshit about mission statements, future visions, and strategies for success. Try to daydream. Think about anything but the horrible bullshit that you're being forced to listen to. The drugs/alcohol help this process.
Imagine yourself in a place that you've always wanted to be : a beach in Spain - 6:05 am, watching the sun make its first appearance of the day - you haven't slept. And right before the true beginning of the day, you're there ready, waiting for the sun - looking out over the beach - Or a coffee shop in Amsterdam on a beautiful summer day - sitting on a terrace, smoking a joint, watching the world walk by. A café in Paris when the leaves start to fall from the trees and the world moves a little bit slower. Somewhere, anywhere - atop a mountain, breathing crisp clean air - looking down on all the problems of the rest of the world - remember to enjoy the view.
   Hopefully, by now the moron giving the "mission statement speech" has stopped, it's as good a time as any to escape (again) to the bathroom. Note : Remember step # 7).
You return from the bathroom a bit happier, refreshed, and you notice that the speeches and team-building exercises are over. Dancing time. What the hell ? Why not dance ? After all if you prepared properly, you should be "loose" enough to move your ass. At this point, take advantage of any free alcohol. Hell, drink from other people's glasses if you want - it's free.
 
 
Part Three : But...
  
  What if you'd decided to not attend the "Boredom Battle". What if you just stayed home, said you were sick ? Would you still be bored ? Would you still have to wrestle with that monster of boredom ? Perhaps. and if that's the case, there's one sure-fire, fail-safe thing to do when you're bored - masterbate.  Note : repeat if necessary